Miroku's HandyDandy Guide to Being a Monk
by Kusaki Hayashi
Summary: POVMiroku writes a book on how to become a monk in 5 easy steps. Please R&R. Chap 5FINISHED at last!
1. Exorcism

Hey! I'm Kusaki Hayashi and I'm writing a story that I'm sure everyone will love. It's a Miroku pov! Please read and review. I DON'T OWN HIM OR ANY ONE ELSE ON INUYASHA!!

Miroku's Handy-Dandy All-Purpose Guide To Being A Monk

By: (who else) Miroku

Hello all! My name is Miroku and I am a servant of Buddha. I am but a humble monk who makes an honest living, I have a beautiful girlfriend......okay, she's not my girlfriend yet, but she will be, and I'm an excellent teacher......fine, I don't teach yet either, but if you read this manual you will learn all the secrets to becoming a good monk, such as myself.

Now, let's get started, shall we?

Chapter 1: **Exorcism**

Exorcism is a very complicated skill, but if you just follow my instructions, you should be fine!

Now, the first thing you need to do is to find the most expensive looking mansion in any poor village you come across. Go to the master and say these words:

"Excuse me, good sir, but I couldn't help noticing the ominous cloud hovering over your fine mansion. Might I perform an exorcism to drive away any demons that could get into your house?"

Then you are to place special talismans (free inside this manual) around the entire perimeter. Even if there are no demons or ominous cloud, you might get a free dinner and an offer to spend the night. Trust me, those guys will eat it up like suckers.

And that concludes chapter one. The way I see it, you have three choices from this point on:

-Choice 1: Read the next chapter.

-Choice 2: Put this book down and never read it again.

-Choice 3: Return this book and receive your $35 dollars back.

But, you'll never become a sophisticated monk, such as myself, that way. So, I would recommend the first choice. But, do as you wish. Until next time!


	2. Money

Next chapter is up! I know you guys are enjoying this story so far, so don't change! I don' own 'em.

All-Purpose Guide chapter 2

Aah, so you decided to continue, eh? Very good(now I get to keep my money! ). In fact, that's what this next chapter's about! So pay very close attention to what I am about to share with all you adoring people. Listen well:

Step 2-**Money**

Earning money is probably the most important asset in a monk's life. Without it, you will be nothing but a worthless bum with no job and no girlfriend!! (**OH, THE HORROR OF IT ALL!!! )**

So anyway, this is what you'll need to do:

Sneak through any open window of any house (if there is no open window, then make one) and steal everything of value (just make sure no one is home first). As soon as you get the chance, sell them in the next town (so you don't get found out) to make **BIG** money!! But the **BIGGEST** money comes from all the expensive pieces of junk in the mansions. One time, I swiped some pretty pricy crap from a seedy-looking emperor in some farming village (ah, so much green...). Yes, my dear friends, money is **_definitely_** the most important asset in a monk's life, especially mine (if only it could buy love or happiness).

And that's the end of chapter 2!

Great job! You're doing just fantastic! A few more chapters and you'll be on your way to becoming an excellent monk. But you have to keep reading if you want to learn everything!

End ch.2


	3. Women

Here's chapter 3! It's the chapter everyone's been waiting for, so I hope you enjoy! And one more thing, Sailorpsychosis, I give you permission to use my story. So here we go!

I OWN NOTHING!

All Purpose Chapter 3

Welcome back to another chapter _of Miroku's Handy-Dandy All-Purpose Guide To Being a Monk _written by me, Miroku. If you are reading this, it means that my guidelines are working well for you and you're ready to learn more, or you have nothing better to do with your time and this was the best book on your shelf.

(Just a small warning in advance: If I seem to rant a bit, then please forgive me. This happens to be my best subject!)

Well then, gentlemen, hang on to your seats 'cuz this one's for you! Ladies, you can read it too, but it won't be my fault if you hate me afterwards.

Chapter 3-Women

You will know when you find the right girl because...um...well, you'll just know! But having only ONE wouldn't be any fun. In order to be a good monk, you have to take the pleasure of hanging over EVERY girl you see (as long as she isn't old or ugly!)

Now if someone were to tell me that there was a secret Amazon island somewhere (Amazon being all women), I would've asked them, "what are you high on?...because whatever it is, I want some!" but let us not get into that at the present time. So, when you find a girl (who's not old or ugly), you are to stay with her for a while. When you feel she's either fallen for you or you've worked up enough guts, you are to ask her this question:

"Would you have the honor of bearing my children?"

If her first response is to swoon over you, she's yours. But if her response is, and it probably will be, enraged anger, expect a hard slap in the face. But fear not, my friends! Keep trying. She really wants you but doesn't quite know it yet. And eventually she will change her mind.

We now come to the end of chapter 3. Don't stop now, you're doing great! And besides, the next chapter is also another one of my specialties. Think you can guess what it is? If you can't, then I suggest you keep reading. Remember, this is for your benefit. I already know this stuff!

End chapter 3


	4. Groping

Here's chapter 4 fer ya! Sorry it took so long (STUPID SCHOOL!!!) So, you think you know what the chapter is about? The answer will be revealed right now.

The only thing I own is this story and nothing more.

All Purpose Chapter 4

WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME to another exciting chapter of my excellent book written by me, the o-so-lovable hard-to-hate-Miroku. Well let's just get to the good stuff, shall we? If your answer from the last chapter was groping, then congratulations! You got it! Give yourself a pat on the back.

All right! Let us commence with the learning!

Chapter 4-Groping

Now, groping is probably the most dangerous of all techniques to learn. If it goes wrong, which will probably be 90 of the time (I'm sorry, but that's just the way it goes) then you might as well get acquainted with the ground. If, by some chance, things go right (which there's a 10 possibility that they will) then the girl that you're groping doesn't seem to notice or she likes it.

If this happens, then you are a very lucky monk (GRR!) In any case, groping a girl is one of the best feelings in the world (or on my opinion, anyway). But you have to do it the right way, though. So now I'm going to tell you how to grope. It's actually the easiest thing to do.

One way to distract the girl is to sweet talk her. Tell her how nice she looks or just say something off the top of your head. Then, while she's swooning over you, quickly reach behind her and rub her butt. Pretty simple, right?

Other methods of distraction are pretending to be hurt, spacing out (making it look like you're oblivious to the world), or pretend you're sleeping. Works like a charm!

That brings us to the end of chapter 4.

Well, it seems like our time together is nearly up. We have one more chapter to go and then it will be time to put it ALL together. You think you're ready? We'll find out. Keep reading!

End chapter 4


	5. Putting It All Together

Yo! I finally have some spare time to write this chapter! School is a menace to society, I tell ya. Plus I have band practice every day and competitions on Saturdays. I'm always too tired to do anything on Sundays even though I have orchestra and tone bell practice, so my weeks are EXTREMELY busy.

But I don't want anyone to be mad at me fer not updatin', so here's chapter 5!

Enjoy!

All Purpose Chapter 5

Hello again all my beloved fans! It is I, Miroku, everyone's favorite "humble" monk. I hope you're ready for me to present you with the final step to becoming a monk. So let's cut straight to the point.

Step 5-Putting It All Together

Just to help you remember, let us do a quick review of the previous four steps:

-Exorcising: This is how you get people to trust you so they don't suspect you for anything (har har!)

-Money: This is, first of all, your reward from those worthless, I mean, _wonderful_ exorcisms and, second of all, this is what makes you happy. A moneyless monk is no monk at all. I'm sorry, but those are the facts.

-Women: This is what the money buys. (It is said, and has been proven, that women are attracted to a man with money.)

-Groping: This is how you get the woman's complete and full attention (weather it is the good way or the bad way).

Now this step is going to combine all the steps I've given you into one giant step, so prepare yourself. I'm going to go somewhat out of order so please forgive me now. Are you ready? Here we go!

You need to perform the exorcisms in order to break into the house at night (because it is the best time to do so) and steal the valuables in order to sell them and get the money in order to get the girl to grope in order to make you as happy and as jolly as yours truly! Did you catch all that?

This basically brings us to the end of chapter 5. I am deeply sorry, my friends, but I have no more to teach you. Now, it is your responsibility to go and put these techniques into action. In my opinion, I believe you all will become great monks and you can think of me whenever you use a skill. Well, it has been an honor to teach you all and I wish you well. Sayonara!

End story

So, whaddaya think of the finished work? Ya can let me know by reviewin'.

Catch ya!


End file.
